Episode 7: Your Ego Would Like to Speak to the Manager, Please
Introduction
The ego is often misunderstood as a "bad guy" in personal development, equated with arrogance, selfishness, or even sin in religious contexts. However, as explored in the podcast, it's a vital part of human psychology that helps us navigate the world, form identities, and mediate between our instincts and societal expectations. Drawing from Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory, spiritual traditions like Buddhism and Christianity, and modern tools like the Enneagram, the episode uses personal stories to illustrate the ego's role.
In the podcast, hosts Aliceanne and Ryan share anecdotes: Aliceanne describes her ego's fantasies of fame after launching the podcast, viewing it as a "backseat driver"—present but no longer in control—while Ryan reflects on his Christian upbringing where "sin consciousness" mirrored ego struggles, emphasizing a constant battle between the "old man" (sinful nature) and the "new man" (redeemed self). They highlight that the ego isn't inherently negative but can become rigid or overwhelming if not integrated with deeper aspects of the self, such as the soul or higher consciousness.
The term "ego" originates from Latin, meaning "I," and refers to the conscious sense of self that develops early in life. Freud introduced it in his 1923 work The Ego and the Id as a mediator in the psyche, but spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now describe it as a false self that creates suffering by identifying with thoughts and forms, obscuring true awareness. In Buddhism, the ego contrasts with the deeper "I am" presence achieved through meditation on impermanence and non-self (anatta). Research from positive psychology, such as studies on self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden, shows that a healthy ego correlates with resilience, adaptability, and well-being, while an unbalanced one can lead to anxiety, depression, or relational conflicts. Criticisms of ego-centric views include their cultural bias toward individualism in Western societies, contrasting with collectivist Eastern philosophies where the ego is seen as an illusion to transcend for enlightenment. Modern applications appear in therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), where ego-strengthening techniques build coping skills, and in mindfulness practices that encourage observing the ego without judgment.
Freud’s model: The Id, Ego, and Superego
A core framework in the episode is Sigmund Freud's 1923 structural model of the psyche, which divides the mind into three interacting components: the id, ego, and superego. These elements work together to shape personality and behavior, with constant conflicts arising from their differing demands.
Id: This is the instinctual, primal part of the psyche, driven by the pleasure principle and seeking immediate gratification of basic needs like hunger, lust, aggression, or discomfort. It operates unconsciously and is present from birth, representing our animalistic drives without regard for reality or morality. In the podcast, Ryan uses the example of feeling repulsed by a stinky trash can and instinctively wanting to remove it as an id-driven response.
Ego: The rational, reality-oriented mediator that balances the id's impulses with external demands and the superego's morals. Operating on the reality principle, it delays gratification, plans actions, and allocates energy to prevent overload. Described as an "operating system" coordinating attention, emotions, and attachments, the ego develops around age 2-3 as children learn to navigate the world. Aliceanne notes it's like a "backseat driver" in her life now—present but not controlling—highlighting how a mature ego observes rather than dominates.
Superego: The internalized moral compass, formed through parental and societal influences during childhood (around ages 3-5), enforcing rules, ideals, and guilt. It strives for perfection and can lead to self-criticism if unmet. Ryan illustrates this with bringing the trash can back promptly to avoid HOA complaints, showing social awareness.
Freud's model posits that psychological health depends on the ego's ability to manage conflicts between the id's desires and the superego's prohibitions, often through defense mechanisms (discussed later). For instance, anxiety arises when the ego is overwhelmed, leading to neuroses. Historical context: Freud developed this in The Ego and the Id amid post-WWI Vienna, influenced by his work on hysteria and dreams. Criticisms include its overemphasis on sexuality and unconscious drives, lack of empirical evidence, and patriarchal biases (e.g., ignoring social factors). Modern applications persist in psychoanalysis for understanding personality disorders, like how a weak ego contributes to borderline personality disorder. Neuroscience supports aspects, linking the ego to the prefrontal cortex for executive functions, while cognitive psychology adapts it in theories of self-regulation. In spirituality, Freud's id-ego-superego triad parallels religious concepts like original sin (id), conscience (superego), and free will (ego), as Ryan connects to his Christian experience.
The Ego’s role and misconceptions
The ego isn't a villain—it's essential for functioning, organizing experiences, allocating energy, and protecting against overload. It acts as the "who" behind attention (what we look at) and attachment (how we connect), providing a sense of "I" that separates us from others and the environment. In Buddhism, this sense of "I" is distinguished from the deeper "I am" presence, achieved through meditation on impermanence. Common misconceptions include viewing the ego as "sin" in religious contexts (Ryan's Christian background, where it aligns with the "flesh" or original sin) or as arrogance (e.g., calling someone an "egomaniac"). Freud distinguished the private, felt ego from the superego's societal rules and the id's instincts, emphasizing its role in mediation.
The ego coordinates processes like emotional regulation and decision-making, but problems arise when it identifies as the entire self, leading to separateness, fear, control issues, and binary thinking (like/dislike, good/bad). It categorizes for survival but struggles with complexity, potentially freezing or crashing under stress. In cognitive psychology, the ego relates to self-concept theory by Carl Rogers, where incongruence between ideal and actual self causes distress. Studies on ego depletion (Roy Baumeister) show that overexertion leads to decision fatigue, explaining why willpower wanes. A healthy ego fosters adaptability, but an unhealthy one rigidifies, as in narcissistic traits (affecting ~1% of the population per DSM-5). Cultural variations: In individualistic societies, ego is prized for achievement; in collectivist ones, it's subdued for harmony. Modern misconceptions stem from Puritan roots, blaming the ego like a "little red devil," distancing us from responsibility. Yet, as the podcast stresses, the ego is crucial—like curating identity—though it hides unacceptable parts in the shadow.
Shadow work: integrating the hidden self
Shadow work, a concept from Carl Jung's analytical psychology, is highlighted as key to ego health. The shadow encompasses rejected aspects of the self—both "dark" (e.g., anger, jealousy, fear) and "light" (e.g., untapped talents, vitality, or desires)—formed through explicit or implicit messages from family, culture, and society. For instance, cultural norms like "boys don't cry" create shadows by denying emotional expression, damaging men's nervous systems and human experience. Ryan shares his fear of rejection stifling heartfelt expression until a men's rite of passage ritual allowed integration, noting physiological signs like dry mouth or throat tightness as shadow cues. Aliceanne mentions the throat as a common shadow transmission point, where fear blocks authentic voice.
Jung defined the shadow in Psychology and Alchemy (1944) as the unconscious opposite of the conscious ego, containing repressed traits that, if unintegrated, lead to projection (seeing flaws in others that are our own). The process involves exploring unconscious thoughts, emotions, and desires to bring them into consciousness, accepting and loving them for wholeness. Techniques include journaling (e.g., "What irritates me in others? Why?"), meditation to observe triggers, active imagination (dialoguing with shadow figures), dream analysis, or therapy like Internal Family Systems (IFS) by Richard Schwartz, which treats parts as subpersonalities. Somatic practices, such as body scans or Peter Levine's somatic experiencing, address trauma-linked shadows through physical sensations (e.g., yawning, nausea, tightness).
Benefits of integration: Reduced projection improves relationships; uncovering hidden talents boosts creativity and confidence; it fosters meaning, empathy, and resilience. Developmental psychology argues shadow work leads to wholeness, as unintegrated shadows cause internal conflict or self-sabotage. Challenges: It's terrifying and disorienting at first, requiring curiosity, slowness, and kindness—start with 5-second exposures. Defenses like denial or distraction are normal, but over time, integration transforms shadows into superpowers. Ryan notes shadows begin in infancy with separation from caregivers, creating "otherness." Communities like Jungian analysis groups or online forums (e.g., r/Jung on Reddit) support this work. Ultimately, shadow integration aligns with spiritual goals of unity, turning pain into regenerative beauty.
Enneagram: ego strategies and fixations
The Enneagram is, for many, a powerful tool for understanding ego patterns, strategies, and fixations. It's a nine-type personality system with ancient roots tracing back to Pythagoras, Plato, and branches of Abrahamic religions (e.g., Sufism, early Christianity), later influenced by mystics like George Gurdjieff and modern developers Oscar Ichazo and Claudio Naranjo in the 20th century. Don Riso and Russ Hudson formalized it in books like The Wisdom of the Enneagram, blending psychology and spirituality. The system groups types into three centers based on core motivations, fears, and desires:
Heart Center (Types 2-4): Focus on love, image, and uniqueness. Strategies involve helping others (2: Helper), achieving success/image (3: Achiever), or emphasizing individuality/emotions (4: Individualist). Fixations: pride (2), deceit (3), envy (4).
Head Center (Types 5-7): Emphasize knowledge, security, and freedom. Strategies include withdrawing to observe/think (5: Investigator), fearing/analyzing (6: Loyalist), or escaping pain through positivity/planning (7: Enthusiast). Fixations: avarice (5), fear (6), gluttony (7).
Gut Center (Types 8-1,9): Center on control, justice, and peace. Strategies involve asserting power (8: Challenger), perfecting/reforming (1: Reformer), or mediating/avoiding conflict (9: Peacemaker). Fixations: lust (8), anger (1), sloth (9).
Each type has levels of development (healthy, average, unhealthy) and stress/growth lines (movement under pressure or integration). Aliceanne (Type 7) shares how her escapism—rose-colored glasses and future focus—became a "prison" until noticed through assessments and feedback, allowing more presence. Ryan (Type 9) discusses avoiding decisions to maintain peace, rooted in fear of rejection, but recognizing it as a pattern enables growth.
The Enneagram reveals ego fixations as rigid grooves from childhood, like over-relying on one strategy (e.g., control for peace). It's not just a test—empirical correlations with Big Five traits validate it—but a map for observation: Notice daily patterns, blind spots, and how types manifest cognitively, emotionally, and physiologically. Benefits: Normalizes behaviors, expands strategies, fosters empathy. Criticisms: Lacks scientific rigor in some claims, potential for stereotyping, but it's widely used in coaching, therapy, and spirituality for self-awareness.
If you would like to take an Enneagram assessment, please read below…
Aliceanne’s preferred vendor for Enneagram assessments is iEQ9. (If you’re looking for a free resource, Aliceanne recommends The Ultimate Personality Test from ClearerThinking.org)
If you use her affiliate links below to purchase an assessment, a 30-minute debrief with Aliceanne is included in the price. (She receives an email when an assessment is completed that was purchased via her links, and she will reach out to you to schedule the debrief.) Each assessment includes a main report, as well as a 2-page “Coaching Companion”. Please see samples of the reports as well as the Coaching Companion via the buttons below.
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Ego death and second half of life
Ego death is framed as transitioning from the ego as "master" to "servant," per Franciscan priest Richard Rohr in Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life (2011). The first half of life builds the ego through identity formation, achievements, and external validation—necessary for survival but often leading to rigidity. The second half integrates shadows for deeper wisdom, purpose, and connection to the whole. Signs include midlife crises: For men, it tends to manifest as sports cars, affairs, addictions, or workaholism; for women, perimenopause is a huge initiation for inward reflection amid exhaustion from overwork or internalized patriarchy. (However, men also experience bodily decline that the ego tries to compensate for, and women are just as prone to work too much, have an affair, or shop and buy away their ego’s shortcomings in an attempt to make themselves feel better.)
Rohr draws from indigenous rites of passage, observing in prison ministry how undeveloped egos led men to gangs for belonging. He created men's rites to confront limitations in safe community, shifting from "small I" (ego-driven) to "large I" (communal, purposeful). Life initiates through failures, losses, or chaos—"falling upward" into unified fields of meaning. Ryan discusses rites transforming pain into regeneration; Aliceanne shares bone-deep exhaustion from corporate running, learning rest amid guilt. Neurobiologically, ego death resembles default mode network changes in meditation or psychedelics, per Roland Griffiths' studies.
Influenced by Jung's individuation, Rohr emphasizes dying before you die—releasing control, attachments, and scarcity fears. Second-half tasks: Face shadows, embrace guidance over choice, participate in humanity and nature. Energetic nuances: The masculine in all of us tends to externalize (heroic power quests); the feminine power in all of us calls us to heal inner splits. Rohr's rites emphasize acceptance, invitation, and soul reclamation beyond titles or likes. Books like Bill Plotkin's Soulcraft add nature-based practices. Communities: Center for Action and Contemplation (cac.org) offers retreats; online groups discuss midlife transitions.
Aliceanne’s favorite Enneagram assessment vendor that she used at Dell is this one. If you use her affiliate links below, a 30-minute debrief with Aliceanne is included in the price. (She receives an email when an assessment purchased with her link is completed, and she will reach out to you to schedule a debrief.)
Standard assessment (download sample Standard report)
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Couple’s assessment (download sample Couple’s report)
If you would like Enneagram assessments for your whole team, please reach out to Aliceanne directly at rememberingyoupodcast@gmail.com
The Hero and Heroine’s Journey
The episode contrasts Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey with Maureen Murdock's Heroine's Journey, highlighting gender and archetypal differences in ego transformation. Campbell's The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949) outlines a masculine-leaning arc: Departure (call to adventure, crossing threshold), Initiation (trials, abyss/death, rebirth), Return (mastery, boon-sharing). It's about outer conquest, personal mastery, and achievement—mirroring ego development through separation and heroism.
Murdock, in The Heroine's Journey (1990), responded to Campbell's dismissal: "Women don't need to make the journey... she's the place that people are trying to get to." She mapped a feminine cycle: Separation from the feminine (rejecting traditional roles for masculine success), Road of Trials (patriarchal challenges), Boon of Success (achievement but emptiness), Descent (shadow confrontation, inner split healing), Integration (balancing masculine/feminine, wholeness). Examples: Heroine integrates for relational, intuitive wisdom; hero conquers externally.
Archetypes, per Jung, are universal symbols in myths/movies (e.g., Hero, Villain, Mentor). Masculine: King (ruler), Warrior (protector), Magician (transformer), Lover (connector). Feminine: Maiden, Mother, Crone, Warrior Woman. Journeys are gender-neutral—men can follow heroine's inward path, women hero's outward—but patriarchal biases favor hero arcs (e.g., Star Wars; Lord of the Rings; The Matrix). Murdock's model addresses women's rejection of femininity for success, leading to reconnection.
Practices and defenses for ego work
Practical approaches to ego work include noticing patterns through body signals (e.g., dry mouth, chest tightness, yawning, nausea) as cues for reflection—e.g., "What story is my ego telling?" Discern boundaries vs. shadows by asking, "Is this growth or fear?" through trial-and-error, tracking thoughts, emotions, and heart responses.
Defenses are ego’s self-regulation strategies—brilliant inventions to manage anxiety and preserve continuity.
Primitive defenses (early, often unconscious):
• Denial – refusing to perceive reality (“This isn’t happening”).
• Projection – attributing one’s unacceptable feelings to others.
• Splitting – viewing people or events as all good or all bad.
• Introjection – absorbing someone else’s perspective or criticism into one’s identity.
• Acting out – discharging internal conflict through behavior instead of reflection.
Intermediate defenses (neurotic range):
• Displacement – redirecting emotion toward a safer target.
• Rationalization – using logic to justify emotional or unconscious motives.
• Reaction formation – behaving opposite to what one feels.
• Repression – keeping distressing thoughts out of conscious awareness.
• Regression – returning to earlier behaviors or mindsets for comfort.
Mature defenses (adaptive, higher-order):
• Sublimation – channeling unacceptable impulses into creative or prosocial outlets.
• Suppression – consciously setting aside distressing thoughts temporarily.
• Humor – transforming tension through perspective.
• Altruism – deriving fulfillment through serving others.
• Anticipation – consciously preparing for future stress.
Practices: Mindfulness (Headspace app) for observation; journaling triggers; therapy (ACT for defusion); somatic scans. Build through curiosity, patience—e.g., Ryan's social interactions gauge transparency. Benefits: Reduced conflict, authentic living.
For deeper exploration:
Books: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle (ego dissolution); Owning Your Own Shadow by Robert A. Johnson (Jungian integration); Ego and Archetype by Edward Edinger; A New Earth by Tolle; The Ego and the Dynamic Ground by Michael Washburn (spiritual psychology).
Videos/Podcasts: "What EXACTLY is the Ego?!" on YouTube (spiritual breakdown); Richard Rohr's talks on CAC YouTube; "Consciousness Conversations: What's Beyond the Ego?" (psychiatry, Zen, astrophysics); "Understanding Your Ego" by Roos Vonk; "Ego vs. Self" podcast episodes.
Research: APA on ego resilience; NIH midlife studies; Frontiers in Psychology on defense hierarchies.
Communities: Enneagram Institute forums; r/Jung on Reddit; Center for Action and Contemplation (cac.org); spiritual psychology groups like Ananda.org; online rites of passage (Illuman.org).
Exercises: Daily ego check-in; meditation on "I am"; shadow prompts; Enneagram typing apps.